Fear

I was reading a post from An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom and it really struck a cord with me.  It reminded me of how I felt in regards to my sister's recovery.

"Fear is still the overriding emotion. Fear that the monster is still just around the corner."  Fear is something that will always be in the back of your mind when you have an addict as a family member or friend.  A fear that they will fall back into their old ways.  This fear can be crippling and lead some people to want to keep their distance from a former addict because they don't want to feel that pain again.

A drawing by Don Kenn

For me, it felt easier to just keep my sister at a safe distance so she couldn't hurt me again.  Maybe that is what some people have to do to cope but I find showing unconditional love is the best way to deal with a situation like this.  Yes, it may be a much harder path to take but in the long run I hope you will find it is the most rewarding path to take. To show love to someone and not expect anything in return is a beautiful thing to show to someone who is struggling with addiction or trying to stay clean.

So do away with fear of what might happen and live a life full of love no matter what might come.  I know it will not be easy on many occasions but what other options can be better for you and others around you?

What Is It All About?

The biggest issue I find many people struggle with when dealing with addicts is understanding.

I'm not saying that you have to know why they are going down the path they are; all there is to do is show them love and not judge their every move. When my sister was struggling with anorexia, I always asked why she would do all these terrible things. Why couldn't she just eat three meals a day?  It was plain as day that she was destroying her life.  Why couldn't she see that?

Instead of condemning her for what she was doing I should have showed her love.  I should have said, "I know it won't be easy for me to understand where you are coming from or I may never know. But I can tell you this; I love you and nothing can change that.  I am here for you no matter what might happen."

Addiction in many cases isn't about just abusing a substance. In my sister's case it just wasn't about controlling her weight.  Addictions run much deeper than that and can often be a defunct coping mechanism for an issue that has caused the addict a great deal of pain.

Beauty in Pain

When I first learned about addiction I only saw negative aspects.  I never really thought any good could come out of something like this. But it is true what they say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Over the years, I have found that addiction is not as negative as it is usually perceived. It is an awakening and a chance for a new beginning.

If someone comes out the other side of an addiction, they have a new lease on life! A brand new perspective and an understanding of the value of life that many other people can't fathom.  Going through the muck and mire in life and coming out the other side allows you to appreciate the beauty in every little detail of life.

When I thought my sister was lost and never coming back; she surprised me and checked herself into rehab. My parents had tried sending her to a rehabilitation center before but to no avail. There is no getting better unless that person is willing to work for it. So when she told my parents that she wanted to be checked in we were all a little skeptical because we thought she was too far gone.  My sister is one of the strongest people I know, she checked herself in and started the toughest process, getting clean.  She was in recovery for over six months, away from family and friends, struggling to leave behind her addiction.

She came out on the other side with a thirst for life that made me smile.  She was infectious with laughter and smiles.  I always just wanted my sister back but I didn't get that. I got something better; a loving sister who finds beauty and goodness in everything around her. My sister, Liz, is now a role model; a person to be admired!

So remember that no matter how far you are a loved one can fall into darkness, the light on the other side is more than you could ever imagine!

Don't Leave

After I found out my sister was addicted to dieting and saw anorexia take its toll on her over the years; I abandoned her.  I couldn't stand to see the sight of a ghost where my sister once stood.  So after seeing my sister fail trying to recover over and over, I gave up hope that she would ever get better and I thought pushing her away would make the pain I felt go away.  

My younger sister, Abbey, on the left with my older sister Elizabeth.

At her worst, my older sister, Liz was 75 pounds.  I saw my beautiful sister turn into someone I didn't recognize and I couldn't handle the pain I felt so I cut her off from my life completely.  Every time I did see her at family events I would avoid making eye contact because I was scared she would see everything I was hiding behind my cold demeanor. 

It took me three years to get over my pride. I finally came to the end of myself and talked to her about how I really felt about her addiction.  I hope no one takes the path I took because no matter how far someone goes, the addiction they suffer from is not that person.  They can recover and they can come back stronger than before.  Having loved ones there to help when suffering from addiction can be just what an addict needs to recover.  I'm not saying you should condone their actions, on the contrary to show them that no matter what they have done wrong there is still someone there who loves them.  Someone who will be there for them even when they are wrong and when they hit rock bottom.    

My sister and I at a wedding.

All About Me

I started this blog to try and lend a helping hand to those who find themselves in a similar situation that I found myself in for many years.  That is, having a loved one who is an addict.

In my particular case, my older sister suffered from anorexia and was addicted to dieting.  She suffered from this addiction for over 15 years. It put a heavy burden on my family and we were not properly prepared to deal with it. I don't think any amount of planning or talking about it could have fully prepared me but hopefully I can provide someone with a few helpful tips.

I remember finding out about my sister's problem when I was fourteen years old.  At that time there was a lot of speculation about whether or not she really did have a problem because other than being skinny, it looked like she lived a normal life. She was popular in school and played multiple sports, including cross-country, which is why I thought she was skinny.  I considered my older sister my best friend growing up; she always gave me advice and was there for me when I needed someone to talk to.  So I went to her when everyone was accusing her of having an eating disorder and said to her, "If you really have a problem, talk to me about it please.  I love you and am here for you."  She responded saying thank you and that she knew I was there for her but there was nothing to worry about.

So I dropped every doubt I had about it because I had no reason to hold onto my worries anymore.  My big sis would never lie to me! So from then on, every time her name came up in a conversation about her suspicious behavior I would step in to defend her because she wouldn't lie to her baby brother.

About a month went by of me being adamant about my sister's health but one night changed that all.  My sister was taking her usual thirty minute shower because you know, girls. So without thinking, I just opened the door up because I really had to pee and wasn't about to wait another ten minutes so she could dry her hair. I walked in and saw my sister lying on the floor, huddled around the toilet with her fingers down her throat, forcing herself to vomit.  My heart sunk and could only think of one thing, me.  Why would she do this to me? Why would she lie to me?  Why doesn't she stop so my family can stop arguing all the time and we can be happy again?

I never once thought of my sister.  I didn't ask if she was okay or even attempt to talk to her for a long time because I was so angry.  All I thought was how could she do this to ME.  This was one of my many mistakes in dealing with an addict. I hope to never make that mistake again and hope no one else does.  I was selfish, only thinking of the pain I felt, not of the pain and suffering of my best friend and sister.