Trust Issues

After my sister's recovery everything just didn't go back to normal. Everything wasn't alright. I still felt betrayed and was scared to trust her again. I questioned whether or not I could ever really trust her again.

So how do you go about trusting someone after all the pain they were associated with when they were addicts?

Time, of course, is one of the more obvious answers but it often is not the best course to take. There are always a multitude of ways to deal with a person who has hurt you in the past. But when it comes to someone who is close to you, most of the time you want to forgive them as soon as possible. If you hold onto your pain it will hinder your relationship with that person.

There will always be the fear of getting hurt again, and when dealing with an addict it is a definite possibility that it will happen. I had to overcome my fear of being hurt again because I still wanted to have a relationship with my sister, for better or for worse.

My Sister's Story

Since I have started the blog I wanted to really dive deep into my sister's addiction and how it all began.  But that is hard to do when writing a blog. Also I am not the right person to tell my sister's story.  So here is a recounting of my sister's addiction and her road to recovery.  

Family and Addiction

My best friend, let's say his name is Mike, has a younger brother who is an addict. I'll call my friend's brother Shawn.

So Shawn has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse. I've heard many times that Shawn needs to get his act together and be the man of the family that he is suppose to be. Mike and Shawn are the two oldest kids out of six and my friend Mike doesn't like that Shawn is setting such a bad example for the younger kids. Shawn has caused numerous problems for his parents and has put an enormous burden on his whole family. He totaled his parents car, stole money, and more. It is much more than most families can bear normally. This was an extraordinary situation, Shawn was suffering from his addiction all while his mother was dying from cancer.

I could go into more details but it is a tough subject for me to talk about. The point is that if anyone should have been left to fend for themselves or cut off from a family, it was Shawn. But that didn't happen. His parents showed incredible strength and wisdom by loving him even when it burdened and put a lot of stress on the family as a whole.


For me and my best friend Mike, it was a hard pill to swallow.  How do you forgive someone who has done nothing but make your entire family suffer in a time of great sorrow and stress?

Fear

I was reading a post from An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom and it really struck a cord with me.  It reminded me of how I felt in regards to my sister's recovery.

"Fear is still the overriding emotion. Fear that the monster is still just around the corner."  Fear is something that will always be in the back of your mind when you have an addict as a family member or friend.  A fear that they will fall back into their old ways.  This fear can be crippling and lead some people to want to keep their distance from a former addict because they don't want to feel that pain again.

A drawing by Don Kenn

For me, it felt easier to just keep my sister at a safe distance so she couldn't hurt me again.  Maybe that is what some people have to do to cope but I find showing unconditional love is the best way to deal with a situation like this.  Yes, it may be a much harder path to take but in the long run I hope you will find it is the most rewarding path to take. To show love to someone and not expect anything in return is a beautiful thing to show to someone who is struggling with addiction or trying to stay clean.

So do away with fear of what might happen and live a life full of love no matter what might come.  I know it will not be easy on many occasions but what other options can be better for you and others around you?

What Is It All About?

The biggest issue I find many people struggle with when dealing with addicts is understanding.

I'm not saying that you have to know why they are going down the path they are; all there is to do is show them love and not judge their every move. When my sister was struggling with anorexia, I always asked why she would do all these terrible things. Why couldn't she just eat three meals a day?  It was plain as day that she was destroying her life.  Why couldn't she see that?

Instead of condemning her for what she was doing I should have showed her love.  I should have said, "I know it won't be easy for me to understand where you are coming from or I may never know. But I can tell you this; I love you and nothing can change that.  I am here for you no matter what might happen."

Addiction in many cases isn't about just abusing a substance. In my sister's case it just wasn't about controlling her weight.  Addictions run much deeper than that and can often be a defunct coping mechanism for an issue that has caused the addict a great deal of pain.

Beauty in Pain

When I first learned about addiction I only saw negative aspects.  I never really thought any good could come out of something like this. But it is true what they say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Over the years, I have found that addiction is not as negative as it is usually perceived. It is an awakening and a chance for a new beginning.

If someone comes out the other side of an addiction, they have a new lease on life! A brand new perspective and an understanding of the value of life that many other people can't fathom.  Going through the muck and mire in life and coming out the other side allows you to appreciate the beauty in every little detail of life.

When I thought my sister was lost and never coming back; she surprised me and checked herself into rehab. My parents had tried sending her to a rehabilitation center before but to no avail. There is no getting better unless that person is willing to work for it. So when she told my parents that she wanted to be checked in we were all a little skeptical because we thought she was too far gone.  My sister is one of the strongest people I know, she checked herself in and started the toughest process, getting clean.  She was in recovery for over six months, away from family and friends, struggling to leave behind her addiction.

She came out on the other side with a thirst for life that made me smile.  She was infectious with laughter and smiles.  I always just wanted my sister back but I didn't get that. I got something better; a loving sister who finds beauty and goodness in everything around her. My sister, Liz, is now a role model; a person to be admired!

So remember that no matter how far you are a loved one can fall into darkness, the light on the other side is more than you could ever imagine!