A Helping Hand

For an addict often times it can hard to cope with what is going on.  It is even harder to open up and letting people in to see your demons.

I just wanted to highlight a few online support groups that I have heard good things about.  They are free to use and can get addicts into contact with each other so they can share stories, find an accountability partner and things of that nature.

Daily Strength
This is a nice discussion board where you can post and talk about whatever you like anonymously.  There are many categories highlighting different addictions.

Addiction Survivors
 AddicitonSurviviors.org is a not-for-profit organization dedicated to providing peer support communities for those with addiction disorders and their families and friends. These forums are funded in whole by individuals whose lives have been touched by addiction in one way or another.

 

It is great to have a community to reach out to and share your experiences with.  Even if it is anonymously, it is great to see what others have been through.  It can be a real encouragement during tough times.  And maybe you sharing your story on one of these forums can help someone else who is going through a similar situation.  

Trust Issues

After my sister's recovery everything just didn't go back to normal. Everything wasn't alright. I still felt betrayed and was scared to trust her again. I questioned whether or not I could ever really trust her again.

So how do you go about trusting someone after all the pain they were associated with when they were addicts?

Time, of course, is one of the more obvious answers but it often is not the best course to take. There are always a multitude of ways to deal with a person who has hurt you in the past. But when it comes to someone who is close to you, most of the time you want to forgive them as soon as possible. If you hold onto your pain it will hinder your relationship with that person.

There will always be the fear of getting hurt again, and when dealing with an addict it is a definite possibility that it will happen. I had to overcome my fear of being hurt again because I still wanted to have a relationship with my sister, for better or for worse.

Addicts and Perceptions

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." Thomas Merton

I read this quote the other day and it struck a chord with me.  When dealing with an addict, it is easy to judge and see what they are doing wrong.  Often times this leads people that are around addicts to try and fix the problem an addict has.  That is not what you need to do or have any capability of doing. One must accept them for who they are, and take in the good and the bad.  No one is above reproach and we need to understand that when dealing with people who we think are worse off. We all have issues and problems; an addict's problem is just out in the open.

It is better to accept the situation and truly love that person (all of them) not just the likable parts. No matter what circumstances may arise.  

This is a very hard concept to grasp especially in a situation where you are close to an addict.  You want to save them and take the smoking gun out of their hand but you can't.  All you can do is accept the situation for what it is and look at it from another view, a view of true love, of unconditional love. Or get close as we can to unconditional love as imperfect people. 

My Sister's Story

Since I have started the blog I wanted to really dive deep into my sister's addiction and how it all began.  But that is hard to do when writing a blog. Also I am not the right person to tell my sister's story.  So here is a recounting of my sister's addiction and her road to recovery.  

Are You Really Listening?

Are you really listening?

When my sister was struggling with her addiction, I never truly listened to her. I would let her speak but never put much weight on her words. Because what does an addict have to say that is worth something? I wanted her to listen to me. I was the healthy one in the right frame of mind! If she just listened to me I could FIX her up in no time.

If I listened maybe I would have heard what she was saying. That there was nothing I could fix. Maybe if I was really listening I would have known. Instead, I was caught up searching for a answer to my problem: my sister's addiction.

I ask you to give it a try. Just listen. Don't speak, don't try and answer their questions. Just let them know you care by lending them an ear. They may shout at you, cry, or speak very plainly.  However they do speak just sit there and really listen.

Fear

I was reading a post from An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom and it really struck a cord with me.  It reminded me of how I felt in regards to my sister's recovery.

"Fear is still the overriding emotion. Fear that the monster is still just around the corner."  Fear is something that will always be in the back of your mind when you have an addict as a family member or friend.  A fear that they will fall back into their old ways.  This fear can be crippling and lead some people to want to keep their distance from a former addict because they don't want to feel that pain again.

A drawing by Don Kenn

For me, it felt easier to just keep my sister at a safe distance so she couldn't hurt me again.  Maybe that is what some people have to do to cope but I find showing unconditional love is the best way to deal with a situation like this.  Yes, it may be a much harder path to take but in the long run I hope you will find it is the most rewarding path to take. To show love to someone and not expect anything in return is a beautiful thing to show to someone who is struggling with addiction or trying to stay clean.

So do away with fear of what might happen and live a life full of love no matter what might come.  I know it will not be easy on many occasions but what other options can be better for you and others around you?

Beauty in Pain

When I first learned about addiction I only saw negative aspects.  I never really thought any good could come out of something like this. But it is true what they say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Over the years, I have found that addiction is not as negative as it is usually perceived. It is an awakening and a chance for a new beginning.

If someone comes out the other side of an addiction, they have a new lease on life! A brand new perspective and an understanding of the value of life that many other people can't fathom.  Going through the muck and mire in life and coming out the other side allows you to appreciate the beauty in every little detail of life.

When I thought my sister was lost and never coming back; she surprised me and checked herself into rehab. My parents had tried sending her to a rehabilitation center before but to no avail. There is no getting better unless that person is willing to work for it. So when she told my parents that she wanted to be checked in we were all a little skeptical because we thought she was too far gone.  My sister is one of the strongest people I know, she checked herself in and started the toughest process, getting clean.  She was in recovery for over six months, away from family and friends, struggling to leave behind her addiction.

She came out on the other side with a thirst for life that made me smile.  She was infectious with laughter and smiles.  I always just wanted my sister back but I didn't get that. I got something better; a loving sister who finds beauty and goodness in everything around her. My sister, Liz, is now a role model; a person to be admired!

So remember that no matter how far you are a loved one can fall into darkness, the light on the other side is more than you could ever imagine!