A Helping Hand

For an addict often times it can hard to cope with what is going on.  It is even harder to open up and letting people in to see your demons.

I just wanted to highlight a few online support groups that I have heard good things about.  They are free to use and can get addicts into contact with each other so they can share stories, find an accountability partner and things of that nature.

Daily Strength
This is a nice discussion board where you can post and talk about whatever you like anonymously.  There are many categories highlighting different addictions.

Addiction Survivors
 AddicitonSurviviors.org is a not-for-profit organization dedicated to providing peer support communities for those with addiction disorders and their families and friends. These forums are funded in whole by individuals whose lives have been touched by addiction in one way or another.

 

It is great to have a community to reach out to and share your experiences with.  Even if it is anonymously, it is great to see what others have been through.  It can be a real encouragement during tough times.  And maybe you sharing your story on one of these forums can help someone else who is going through a similar situation.  

A Different Perspective

I decided to mix it up a bit today and share an audio clip of a conversation I had with a father of an addict. Hope it gives some new insights that I couldn't capture, enjoy!

Trust Issues

After my sister's recovery everything just didn't go back to normal. Everything wasn't alright. I still felt betrayed and was scared to trust her again. I questioned whether or not I could ever really trust her again.

So how do you go about trusting someone after all the pain they were associated with when they were addicts?

Time, of course, is one of the more obvious answers but it often is not the best course to take. There are always a multitude of ways to deal with a person who has hurt you in the past. But when it comes to someone who is close to you, most of the time you want to forgive them as soon as possible. If you hold onto your pain it will hinder your relationship with that person.

There will always be the fear of getting hurt again, and when dealing with an addict it is a definite possibility that it will happen. I had to overcome my fear of being hurt again because I still wanted to have a relationship with my sister, for better or for worse.

Addicts and Perceptions

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." Thomas Merton

I read this quote the other day and it struck a chord with me.  When dealing with an addict, it is easy to judge and see what they are doing wrong.  Often times this leads people that are around addicts to try and fix the problem an addict has.  That is not what you need to do or have any capability of doing. One must accept them for who they are, and take in the good and the bad.  No one is above reproach and we need to understand that when dealing with people who we think are worse off. We all have issues and problems; an addict's problem is just out in the open.

It is better to accept the situation and truly love that person (all of them) not just the likable parts. No matter what circumstances may arise.  

This is a very hard concept to grasp especially in a situation where you are close to an addict.  You want to save them and take the smoking gun out of their hand but you can't.  All you can do is accept the situation for what it is and look at it from another view, a view of true love, of unconditional love. Or get close as we can to unconditional love as imperfect people. 

My Sister's Story

Since I have started the blog I wanted to really dive deep into my sister's addiction and how it all began.  But that is hard to do when writing a blog. Also I am not the right person to tell my sister's story.  So here is a recounting of my sister's addiction and her road to recovery.  

Family and Addiction

My best friend, let's say his name is Mike, has a younger brother who is an addict. I'll call my friend's brother Shawn.

So Shawn has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse. I've heard many times that Shawn needs to get his act together and be the man of the family that he is suppose to be. Mike and Shawn are the two oldest kids out of six and my friend Mike doesn't like that Shawn is setting such a bad example for the younger kids. Shawn has caused numerous problems for his parents and has put an enormous burden on his whole family. He totaled his parents car, stole money, and more. It is much more than most families can bear normally. This was an extraordinary situation, Shawn was suffering from his addiction all while his mother was dying from cancer.

I could go into more details but it is a tough subject for me to talk about. The point is that if anyone should have been left to fend for themselves or cut off from a family, it was Shawn. But that didn't happen. His parents showed incredible strength and wisdom by loving him even when it burdened and put a lot of stress on the family as a whole.


For me and my best friend Mike, it was a hard pill to swallow.  How do you forgive someone who has done nothing but make your entire family suffer in a time of great sorrow and stress?

Are You Really Listening?

Are you really listening?

When my sister was struggling with her addiction, I never truly listened to her. I would let her speak but never put much weight on her words. Because what does an addict have to say that is worth something? I wanted her to listen to me. I was the healthy one in the right frame of mind! If she just listened to me I could FIX her up in no time.

If I listened maybe I would have heard what she was saying. That there was nothing I could fix. Maybe if I was really listening I would have known. Instead, I was caught up searching for a answer to my problem: my sister's addiction.

I ask you to give it a try. Just listen. Don't speak, don't try and answer their questions. Just let them know you care by lending them an ear. They may shout at you, cry, or speak very plainly.  However they do speak just sit there and really listen.

Fear

I was reading a post from An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom and it really struck a cord with me.  It reminded me of how I felt in regards to my sister's recovery.

"Fear is still the overriding emotion. Fear that the monster is still just around the corner."  Fear is something that will always be in the back of your mind when you have an addict as a family member or friend.  A fear that they will fall back into their old ways.  This fear can be crippling and lead some people to want to keep their distance from a former addict because they don't want to feel that pain again.

A drawing by Don Kenn

For me, it felt easier to just keep my sister at a safe distance so she couldn't hurt me again.  Maybe that is what some people have to do to cope but I find showing unconditional love is the best way to deal with a situation like this.  Yes, it may be a much harder path to take but in the long run I hope you will find it is the most rewarding path to take. To show love to someone and not expect anything in return is a beautiful thing to show to someone who is struggling with addiction or trying to stay clean.

So do away with fear of what might happen and live a life full of love no matter what might come.  I know it will not be easy on many occasions but what other options can be better for you and others around you?

What Is It All About?

The biggest issue I find many people struggle with when dealing with addicts is understanding.

I'm not saying that you have to know why they are going down the path they are; all there is to do is show them love and not judge their every move. When my sister was struggling with anorexia, I always asked why she would do all these terrible things. Why couldn't she just eat three meals a day?  It was plain as day that she was destroying her life.  Why couldn't she see that?

Instead of condemning her for what she was doing I should have showed her love.  I should have said, "I know it won't be easy for me to understand where you are coming from or I may never know. But I can tell you this; I love you and nothing can change that.  I am here for you no matter what might happen."

Addiction in many cases isn't about just abusing a substance. In my sister's case it just wasn't about controlling her weight.  Addictions run much deeper than that and can often be a defunct coping mechanism for an issue that has caused the addict a great deal of pain.

Beauty in Pain

When I first learned about addiction I only saw negative aspects.  I never really thought any good could come out of something like this. But it is true what they say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Over the years, I have found that addiction is not as negative as it is usually perceived. It is an awakening and a chance for a new beginning.

If someone comes out the other side of an addiction, they have a new lease on life! A brand new perspective and an understanding of the value of life that many other people can't fathom.  Going through the muck and mire in life and coming out the other side allows you to appreciate the beauty in every little detail of life.

When I thought my sister was lost and never coming back; she surprised me and checked herself into rehab. My parents had tried sending her to a rehabilitation center before but to no avail. There is no getting better unless that person is willing to work for it. So when she told my parents that she wanted to be checked in we were all a little skeptical because we thought she was too far gone.  My sister is one of the strongest people I know, she checked herself in and started the toughest process, getting clean.  She was in recovery for over six months, away from family and friends, struggling to leave behind her addiction.

She came out on the other side with a thirst for life that made me smile.  She was infectious with laughter and smiles.  I always just wanted my sister back but I didn't get that. I got something better; a loving sister who finds beauty and goodness in everything around her. My sister, Liz, is now a role model; a person to be admired!

So remember that no matter how far you are a loved one can fall into darkness, the light on the other side is more than you could ever imagine!

Don't Leave

After I found out my sister was addicted to dieting and saw anorexia take its toll on her over the years; I abandoned her.  I couldn't stand to see the sight of a ghost where my sister once stood.  So after seeing my sister fail trying to recover over and over, I gave up hope that she would ever get better and I thought pushing her away would make the pain I felt go away.  

My younger sister, Abbey, on the left with my older sister Elizabeth.

At her worst, my older sister, Liz was 75 pounds.  I saw my beautiful sister turn into someone I didn't recognize and I couldn't handle the pain I felt so I cut her off from my life completely.  Every time I did see her at family events I would avoid making eye contact because I was scared she would see everything I was hiding behind my cold demeanor. 

It took me three years to get over my pride. I finally came to the end of myself and talked to her about how I really felt about her addiction.  I hope no one takes the path I took because no matter how far someone goes, the addiction they suffer from is not that person.  They can recover and they can come back stronger than before.  Having loved ones there to help when suffering from addiction can be just what an addict needs to recover.  I'm not saying you should condone their actions, on the contrary to show them that no matter what they have done wrong there is still someone there who loves them.  Someone who will be there for them even when they are wrong and when they hit rock bottom.    

My sister and I at a wedding.

All About Me

I started this blog to try and lend a helping hand to those who find themselves in a similar situation that I found myself in for many years.  That is, having a loved one who is an addict.

In my particular case, my older sister suffered from anorexia and was addicted to dieting.  She suffered from this addiction for over 15 years. It put a heavy burden on my family and we were not properly prepared to deal with it. I don't think any amount of planning or talking about it could have fully prepared me but hopefully I can provide someone with a few helpful tips.

I remember finding out about my sister's problem when I was fourteen years old.  At that time there was a lot of speculation about whether or not she really did have a problem because other than being skinny, it looked like she lived a normal life. She was popular in school and played multiple sports, including cross-country, which is why I thought she was skinny.  I considered my older sister my best friend growing up; she always gave me advice and was there for me when I needed someone to talk to.  So I went to her when everyone was accusing her of having an eating disorder and said to her, "If you really have a problem, talk to me about it please.  I love you and am here for you."  She responded saying thank you and that she knew I was there for her but there was nothing to worry about.

So I dropped every doubt I had about it because I had no reason to hold onto my worries anymore.  My big sis would never lie to me! So from then on, every time her name came up in a conversation about her suspicious behavior I would step in to defend her because she wouldn't lie to her baby brother.

About a month went by of me being adamant about my sister's health but one night changed that all.  My sister was taking her usual thirty minute shower because you know, girls. So without thinking, I just opened the door up because I really had to pee and wasn't about to wait another ten minutes so she could dry her hair. I walked in and saw my sister lying on the floor, huddled around the toilet with her fingers down her throat, forcing herself to vomit.  My heart sunk and could only think of one thing, me.  Why would she do this to me? Why would she lie to me?  Why doesn't she stop so my family can stop arguing all the time and we can be happy again?

I never once thought of my sister.  I didn't ask if she was okay or even attempt to talk to her for a long time because I was so angry.  All I thought was how could she do this to ME.  This was one of my many mistakes in dealing with an addict. I hope to never make that mistake again and hope no one else does.  I was selfish, only thinking of the pain I felt, not of the pain and suffering of my best friend and sister.