A Different Perspective

I decided to mix it up a bit today and share an audio clip of a conversation I had with a father of an addict. Hope it gives some new insights that I couldn't capture, enjoy!

Trust Issues

After my sister's recovery everything just didn't go back to normal. Everything wasn't alright. I still felt betrayed and was scared to trust her again. I questioned whether or not I could ever really trust her again.

So how do you go about trusting someone after all the pain they were associated with when they were addicts?

Time, of course, is one of the more obvious answers but it often is not the best course to take. There are always a multitude of ways to deal with a person who has hurt you in the past. But when it comes to someone who is close to you, most of the time you want to forgive them as soon as possible. If you hold onto your pain it will hinder your relationship with that person.

There will always be the fear of getting hurt again, and when dealing with an addict it is a definite possibility that it will happen. I had to overcome my fear of being hurt again because I still wanted to have a relationship with my sister, for better or for worse.

Addicts and Perceptions

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." Thomas Merton

I read this quote the other day and it struck a chord with me.  When dealing with an addict, it is easy to judge and see what they are doing wrong.  Often times this leads people that are around addicts to try and fix the problem an addict has.  That is not what you need to do or have any capability of doing. One must accept them for who they are, and take in the good and the bad.  No one is above reproach and we need to understand that when dealing with people who we think are worse off. We all have issues and problems; an addict's problem is just out in the open.

It is better to accept the situation and truly love that person (all of them) not just the likable parts. No matter what circumstances may arise.  

This is a very hard concept to grasp especially in a situation where you are close to an addict.  You want to save them and take the smoking gun out of their hand but you can't.  All you can do is accept the situation for what it is and look at it from another view, a view of true love, of unconditional love. Or get close as we can to unconditional love as imperfect people. 

Family and Addiction

My best friend, let's say his name is Mike, has a younger brother who is an addict. I'll call my friend's brother Shawn.

So Shawn has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse. I've heard many times that Shawn needs to get his act together and be the man of the family that he is suppose to be. Mike and Shawn are the two oldest kids out of six and my friend Mike doesn't like that Shawn is setting such a bad example for the younger kids. Shawn has caused numerous problems for his parents and has put an enormous burden on his whole family. He totaled his parents car, stole money, and more. It is much more than most families can bear normally. This was an extraordinary situation, Shawn was suffering from his addiction all while his mother was dying from cancer.

I could go into more details but it is a tough subject for me to talk about. The point is that if anyone should have been left to fend for themselves or cut off from a family, it was Shawn. But that didn't happen. His parents showed incredible strength and wisdom by loving him even when it burdened and put a lot of stress on the family as a whole.


For me and my best friend Mike, it was a hard pill to swallow.  How do you forgive someone who has done nothing but make your entire family suffer in a time of great sorrow and stress?

Are You Really Listening?

Are you really listening?

When my sister was struggling with her addiction, I never truly listened to her. I would let her speak but never put much weight on her words. Because what does an addict have to say that is worth something? I wanted her to listen to me. I was the healthy one in the right frame of mind! If she just listened to me I could FIX her up in no time.

If I listened maybe I would have heard what she was saying. That there was nothing I could fix. Maybe if I was really listening I would have known. Instead, I was caught up searching for a answer to my problem: my sister's addiction.

I ask you to give it a try. Just listen. Don't speak, don't try and answer their questions. Just let them know you care by lending them an ear. They may shout at you, cry, or speak very plainly.  However they do speak just sit there and really listen.

Fear

I was reading a post from An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom and it really struck a cord with me.  It reminded me of how I felt in regards to my sister's recovery.

"Fear is still the overriding emotion. Fear that the monster is still just around the corner."  Fear is something that will always be in the back of your mind when you have an addict as a family member or friend.  A fear that they will fall back into their old ways.  This fear can be crippling and lead some people to want to keep their distance from a former addict because they don't want to feel that pain again.

A drawing by Don Kenn

For me, it felt easier to just keep my sister at a safe distance so she couldn't hurt me again.  Maybe that is what some people have to do to cope but I find showing unconditional love is the best way to deal with a situation like this.  Yes, it may be a much harder path to take but in the long run I hope you will find it is the most rewarding path to take. To show love to someone and not expect anything in return is a beautiful thing to show to someone who is struggling with addiction or trying to stay clean.

So do away with fear of what might happen and live a life full of love no matter what might come.  I know it will not be easy on many occasions but what other options can be better for you and others around you?